Random thoughts while eating a donut:
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I hate Christmas gift-giving.
OK, I don’t mind getting gifts for friends and loved ones, but I absolutely abhor the process of selecting a present for those folks. When it comes to selecting just the right gift for that special someone, I usually — and by “usually” I mean “always” — have no clue what to buy.
For example, my dad loved to read, so a nice book was always a nice gift idea. Deciding on what book to buy, however, was problematic. I mean, this was my dad, for Pete’s sake — he certainly deserved more than Issue No. 549 of The Amazing Spiderman, but an entire encyclopedia set might have been overkill.
Me being me, I always over-thought the situation, usually resulting in paralysis by analysis and a last-minute panic buy. My dad being the generous person he was, usually had nice things to say, bless his soul, but I always had a sneaking suspicion that my gifts missed the mark.
Anyway, I don’t like the process of selecting Christmas gifts, OK?
But thanks to the wonders of the Internet, I’ve learned that I could have done much, much worse, because there are gifts out there that people actually buy that would leave a rational person slack-jawed in disbelief.
Yes, it’s time for my annual weird Christmas gifts column.
A quick disclaimer: The following items are actual gifts that you can actually buy, if you’re into watching the recipient imitate a heart attack victim. By no means am I suggesting you actually buy these things, so if you do and you get in hot water, don’t blame me.
Everybody clear? Good. Let’s go:
• Christmas tree costume — You think Christmas sweaters get a bit tacky? Well, wait until you get a load of this. If you dare, you can buy a costume, shaped and decorated as an actual Christmas tree. Personally, I don’t know which is worse — the person who would actually buy this thing or the person who would willingly wear it. Both kinds of people would be in serious need of counseling.
• Upside-down Christmas tree — This is actually becoming a fad, if the posts from friends on my Facebook page are to be believed. Like all fads, however, this one will probably be done to death. At first, you’ll be considered unique, but after awhile, it will lose its appeal and folks will start referring to you as the idiot who can’t set up a Christmas tree the right way. It’s your choice. Choose wisely.
• Pillow hat — Basically, this a pillow strapped to the back of your head. As someone who has learned to appreciate the occasional nap, this gift is oddly appealing. If you’re thinking about buying it for me, however, please don’t. I get laughed at enough.
• Weed earring — You can, if you’re so inclined, buy your loved one a set of earrings with a small plastic bag of fake marijuana dangling from the end. If you’ve always had your eye on that cute policeman, I can practically guarantee you this will get his attention.
• Trump toaster — For all the Trumpeters out there, here’s a way to make breakfast an homage to your favorite commander-in-chief. This toaster will burn an image of the president’s face on one side of the toast, with “You’re Fired!” on the other. For those who oppose Trump, the company also sells an item called “Impeach Jam.”
• Fish sandals — Ugly footwear is pretty commonplace, but if you want to stand out from the crowd, you can buy sandals that resemble some large mouth bass my family used to catch at Possum Kingdom Lake, which is not a strong endorsement of their style factor.
• Sorting hat — This one is for the Harry Potter geek, I mean, fan in your life. Be sure the recipient wears it in public, so others can appreciate the gift — and by “appreciate,” I mean, “stare in open-mouthed horror.”
There’s more on the list, but I think I’ve done enough damage for one day, don’t you think? If you find any items on this list irresistible, you have my sympathy. If you find them horrifying, welcome to the club.
Happy gift-hunting, y’all.
Steve Reagan is a staff writer at the Snyder Daily News. Comments about his column may be emailed to news@snyderdailynews.com.